


restless

by orphan_account



Category: New Dangan Ronpa V3: Everyone's New Semester of Killing
Genre: Angst, Café AU Daydreams, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Unrequited Crush, oof
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-31
Packaged: 2021-01-31 20:09:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21254987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: He tapped his hands on the table impatiently, looking down at the piece of paper. The pen in his hand felt so heavy knowing what he was about to write- ah, right. He was supposed to be writing.Writing what exactly?A stupid love confession. Like some stereotypical highschool girl who couldn't let go of a crush. Ridiculous. This was completely unbecoming of the Ultimate Supreme Leader, and yet there he was anyways.
Relationships: Oma Kokichi/Saihara Shuichi (One-Sided)
Comments: 15
Kudos: 59





	1. forget-me-nots

**Author's Note:**

> :o) this is from like 2018 so don't be surprised if its garbage, i'm just trying to get used to ao3 lmao

He tapped his hands on the table impatiently, looking down at the piece of paper. The pen in his hand felt so heavy knowing what he was about to write- ah, right. He was supposed to be writing.

Writing what exactly?

A stupid love confession. Like some stereotypical highschool girl who couldn't let go of a crush. Ridiculous. This was completely unbecoming of the Ultimate Supreme Leader, and yet there he was anyways.

He wanted to do it face-to-face, it just felt so much more special to him, and yet he was still such a coward. He couldn’t do it verbally, no matter how hard he tried. That same stupid boy he’d spend hours daydreaming about constantly dismissed any of his attempts as just him trying to mess with the other, despite how much it frustrated him.

He had no idea what to write, not a single clue. Would he be direct and just go straight in with the “I love you”? He wrote it down, instantly regretting it. He grabbed the paper, crumpling it and throwing it in the garbage with all the other failed attempts. Why was this so hard? It wasn’t like he would actually face any negativity from that stupid detective. If he reciprocated, which Ouma heavily doubted, everything would go well. If he didn’t? He could just play it off as a trick. A lie. Just claim these stupid annoying feelings were just another lie.

He groaned, putting his head in his hands. This just complicated everything so much more. He shouldn’t even be considering this. He had a notebook full of schemes to revise. A plan to execute. A mastermind to catch, and here he was. Thinking about Saihara _again._ God, he really is hopeless. He has better things to be thinking of instead of that idiot. That gorgeous idiot. Who gave him the right to be so pretty? Those stupidly pretty golden eyes that Ouma constantly found himself lost i-

How did he get back on that?! God, stop it! Stop it! It was so infuriating. For goodness sake, why couldn’t he just focus on... the virtual reality? He’s worked so hard to get to this point. He wasn't going to lose just because of some stupid detective. He’d never, ever lose to Shuichi Saihara.

Never.

* * *

Despite telling himself he wouldn’t lose to Shuichi, he seemed to do it anyways.

The trial went according to plan, for the most part. Gonta’s execution was horrible. The guilt he couldn’t shake off was still as overwhelming as it had been during the trial. He just wished he had been the one executed instead. He was the one who made the entire plan, and the one who made Gonta do it. He should’ve been executed with him, at _least._

What would have happened if he let Miu kill him?

He could’ve given his findings to Shuichi.

He could’ve let Shuichi do it

But would that be right?

Would it be right to put the burden of everything on Shuichi’s shoulders? After all, it’d be the same thing Kaede did.

But Ouma has no right to compare himself to Kaede.

Especially not when talking about Shuichi, nobody could be compared to Kaede with Shuichi. Maybe Kaito could. He didn’t know, but that just made it worse. He wondered if Shuichi would put his friendship with Kaito and Maki on the same level as his friendship with Kaede. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t at least a bit jealous of Kaito and Maki’s relationship with Shuichi. Why couldn’t he be the one with him every night? Why couldn’t he be the one the detective came to when he needed support?

But upon thinking about it, Ouma understood it, in a way. He wasn’t a trustworthy person. He doesn’t even trust himself with his problems, there's no reason for Shuichi to trust him if he didn't even trust himself. He’s spent the entire game trying to force everyone away, and now that he’s finally succeeded in getting Shuichi off his tail, why doesn’t he feel happy?

Why does he feel so empty? Why does his heart ache thinking about it?

He should be celebrating, he should be dancing on the bed at the thought of it.

And yet he felt more alone and miserable than he had before.

“Kaito always has us by his side, see? But no one wants to be around you. You're alone, Kokichi. And you always will be."

He hated that he was right. He hated it. He wished he wasn’t, wished the other didn’t completely abandon him that day. Wish that he still saw some good in him, even after what he did in the trial. But it was obvious, it was impossible. Again, no blame there. Kokichi was a monster. He did that to poor Gonta. Poor, impressionable, naive Gonta. Even Miu, as vulgar as she was in life, was a friend to them. 

They had fun with her, when she was still alive. She was humorous, he’d admit that. She and Gonta were... the only ones he regularly spent any time with. Looking over at the Bugvac he had Miu make, it was a reminder. A horrid reminder of both the Entomologist, who he got the idea from, and the Inventor who made it in the first place.

But, this was it. The point of no return.

What about the letter he was suppose to write? Now that it’s ended like this, there's no way would it ever be accepted, it would be best to keep those disgusting feelings internalized. And now that Shuichi won’t bother him, won’t mourn if he died, he can finally finish the plan he’s spent all those sleepless nights on. He can finally finish this game. He can finally avenge all those people he couldn’t save.

And it’s all because Shuichi wouldn't mourn for him anymore. 

Shuichi wouldn’t miss him like he would miss Kaito or Maki.

And before he knew it, those same disgusting, disgusting tears were coming back. Why does he care so much about a boy who hates him? Why is he still crying over him? Why can’t he just get rid of these feelings and be done with it? Why is life always so unfair to him? If only- If only they had met outside of the killing game, how would it go?

He can only imagine.

_He’d walk to a café, ordering a single black coffee. <strike>Like he used to with Kirumi every morning</strike> He’d look over, seeing a boy with blue hair and golden eyes that almost seemed to glow in the sunlight, and a dark baseball cap covering all those gorgeous features. <strike>The same cap that he’d never see on him again</strike> He’d go up to him, his usual chipper self, the other would turn out to be shy, but he’d manage to get his phone number. They’d text each other, maybe even talk on the phone every now and again. After months of this, they might have even started going to each other’s houses. Shuichi would invite him over to his house, he’d go over. He’d take his hat off finally, <strike>this time without any deaths involved</strike> confessing his lo-_

He mentally slapped himself. Stop it already! It doesn’t matter. These are the circumstances, he’d never have that privilege. But maybe... In some other world. Maybe in a different life. Maybe.

Kokichi could feel the tingling feeling of tears threatening to spill, he decided it’d be best to go to bed. These feelings were tiring him out enough already, better get some rest while he's at it.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow would be a terrible day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oopsie
> 
> (p.s. wanna bully me? my tumblr is @yosshizawa!)


	2. chrysanthemums

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> p a i n

He missed them already.

It had barely been a few days, but it was already so, so painful being alone.

He missed Gonta being there to support him through all the horrible things he’s done. He missed having Miu there to mess with and ease tensions when he’s been so busy. He missed teasing Kiibo, was it more like bullying? He didn’t know. He didn’t mean for it to be malicious, he was just having some fun.

He missed...  
Shuichi.

He had a habit of writing down all his emotions on paper whenever something important happened, like a diary without the actual diary. A habit formed out of an urge to tell someone about everything and everyone that was hurting him, but with nobody to actually say it to. He’d written on the days of murders and executions, writing about how much he wished he could’ve saved them, how he wished he worked faster. He wrote on the days Kaito just got on his nerves so much that he couldn’t handle it. <strike>How did someone even get that stupid?!</strike>

He wrote after that final day with Shuichi.

He picked up the papers again, reading them over and over. He really did sound like a lovesick schoolgirl. The papers went on about how warm his hands were, how his cologne just seemed to get Ouma on a high, how worried he was over someone like _him._ How he finally ‘stole his heart’. 

He looked down at his hand, at the bandage that Shuichi had put on it. The wound was long gone, but he still kept it on just with the knowledge that it was _Shuichi_ who did that. It was Shuichi who was worried about him, it was Shuichi who rushed to get him bandaged up.

He just wished he could feel that happy again, the feeling of happiness from knowing that the boy he was so enamored with cared in any way. The happiness knowing that he would help him if he was hurt.

The happiness he hadn’t felt in so long before that point.

But those same feelings of longing for that happiness wouldn’t leave, they hadn't left him since Shuichi came and messed everything up after that game. He grabbed a paper and a pen, going back to that same desk he spent so long hunched over, and he started to write.

_Dearest Shumai..._

_Hullo! It’s me, your favourite Supreme Leader!  
Now, as much as I’d looove to be completely ridiculous, I think this letter might actually have to be a bit serious. Just kidding! Did you fall for that? Man, I wish I could've seen your face! Bet you look completely ridiculous, as usual~ _

_To tell you the truth, for once, I’ve admired you for a long time. Seeing how passionate you get in the trials, and how smart you are to figure out the specifics of those naaasty plots from the big scawy blackened themselves, its reaaally impressive! We’re so lucky we have you to help us instead of just that idiot Momoron-chan, we'd be screeeewed if it was just him~. Annyways, you’re really amazing, Shumai! I’m happy you can actually realize it with those two idiots, even if they’re both completely unbearable! _

_But that was all just a buncha big fat lies! Nishishi, did I get ya? You should know better, silly Shumai! Aren't you supposed to be the detective here? Whoopsie~_

_But, to get to what I was actually gonna write this letter for, this is reaaaally cliché and reaaaallllyyyy dumb, but you still have to read it, and that's an order from the future Supreme Dictator of the World! I think I might maybe justalittlebit like you. And I promise that’s not a lie! Shumai never fails to keep me entertained every time, he's definitely not boring! I'm glad Shumai was doomed in here with us, or else we reaaally would've been in trouble~_

_Sorry for not writing more! Of course, as a Supreme Leader of evil, I have a lot of work to get to! Lots of nations to conquer, lots of subordinates to torture. I’ll be waiting for your response~!_

_With lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of love,  
-Ouma Kokichi. <3 _

...Heh

He reread the letter once, twice, thrice, what even came after that?

He didn’t even notice he was crying. Why was he crying? He was just giving out his feelings. Nevermind the fact that the person it was directed to would never read it, it was finally out on a letter. Finally.

But he still hated looking at it, it was an admission of how he felt. Sure, he had already accepted it as probably fact that he was completely smitten, hell, the way he smiled like a complete idiot in his dorm when the detective simply got worried about him that day was proof enough, but now he was actually giving it out. He was admitting it in words, not just his thoughts. He was so, so vulnerable, and he hated it.

He scowled, the tears seemed to keep coming, he crumpled the letter up and threw it in the trash, not realizing as the paper ball bounced off the garbage can and landed on the floor.

Stupid love.  
Stupid feelings.  
...Stupid Saihara.

* * *

All his regrets came flooding back to him.

He shut his eyes tight, trying to avoid what was happening.  
Please, just let this be a dream.

Everything hurt. His arm burnt, and his back was already aching from being hunched over a desk for so long, but the pain just seemed to be amplified. He just wanted to think about something else. _Anything_ other than what was actually happening, yet the pain made that an even more difficult task, especially with how strangely numb the rest of his body felt.

He thought back on D.I.C.E. Those days had been extremely exciting, he hadn’t felt anything like it before. Did D.I.C.E even exist? He didn’t know. He didn’t want to think about it. All he wanted was the sweet, sweet memories of those childlike days.

How they’d sneak out in the middle of the night, running together, going to a nearby store with bottles of spray paint, and draw a large dick in bright pink. It was childish, but it finally made him feel happy again. He missed them, he missed them so, so much. He’d give anything to be with them right now.

He could almost hear their voices...

“Come on, don’t give up yet! Everything’s going to turn out okay, you should believe it!”

“Darling, you’re worrying too much. Relax, stress isn’t good for your hair!”

“Of course! If our dear leader is here with us, we’re always gonna be ready to go!”

“Haha, calm down, kid. We’re all better now, not to mention- we're all here for you, too! So you don't gotta worry so much all the time!"

What would they think of him now? 

He’s a murderer. He’s the reason Gonta and Miu died. They’d all be so disappointed- He broke his own rules. The one rule they had. He violated their trust. He doesn’t even deserve to be called their leader after that, he’s just a coward. 

A coward who’s getting what he deserves.

The sound of the press started up again, and the panic started to set in.

Was this really how it was going to end? It can’t be the end, can it? He tried focusing on the soft fabric behind his back, but the persistent beating of his heart kept him aware of the situation. After everything- every- everything hurts. Everything hurts. It’s coming closer, stop it. Stop it! Please please please stop it... He tries to scream. Tries to yell at Kaito to stop it, stop the whole thing, but his voice won't come out. He can’t die.

He can’t die yet. Not here. Not here-

Not when he hasn’t seen D.I.C.E again, not when he hasn’t apologized to everyone, not when he hasn’t- not when he hasn’t told Shuichi the truth

Just- Let him tell Shuichi. Let him see him one last time! Let him apologize. Please, just give him another chance. One last chance. He won’t mess it up, he wouldn’t. Please. Please. Please-... 

Not just Shuichi, he had failed over and over in this fucking game. He had so much to apologize for. He had to apologize to Kaede and Rantaro for failing to stop the killing game before 9 <strike>soon to be 10</strike> people had to die, apologize to Ryoma and Kirumi for not being able to show everyone the motives so they’d be able to live, apologize to Angie, Tenko and Korekiyo for how helpless he was back then. And... And- He wants to apologize to Gonta and Miu most of all. They died for no reason. They died just for him to gain leverage and die like this. He wasted two lives for nothing.

But he couldn't, and he never would. Because they're all dead. Dead dead dead,  
Like **he's** gonna be.

The tears won’t stop flowing, and for a second, time seems to stop.

He slowly opens his eyes, and is met with the press inches from his face.

He can’t- He won’t- ple-

Before a sound can escape his lips, a resounding thud echoes through the hangar, and eveything goes silent once more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (p.s. wanna bully me? my tumblr is @yosshizawa!)


End file.
